[I'm just warning you all now, this is extremely personal. I'm posting this more for my sake than for those to read. If you don't want to read it, don't.]

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is something very seriously wrong with me. Do I smell bad? Am I ugly..? I don’t think I’m repulsive, not beautiful, but not an eyesore. I get compliments all the time, but that doesn’t mean that I agree with what they are saying. I really don’t agree at all.

So Cory told me that Brett finally wised up that I like him. Well, he doesn’t feel the same. At least I didn’t turn him gay. I don’t understand. I did the spell that’s supposes to give you all you need. I believed and it all blew up in my face. At least I didn’t have the chance to embarrass myself by asking him in person. I don’t want to give up, but.. I can’t see where this is leading me. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I keep searching for the loving glow but see nothing. I think I see a glimmer, and then it is ripped out of my sight, gone forever. I feel either very hollow or very dense, and neither is very pleasant.

I feel like I’m in this horrible waiting room, preparing for something painful. Every time they call a patient past me I grimace and the pain and dread worsen. I want so desperately to find love. I know it wouldn’t be as bad if I had never had the experience in the first place. I’m back in that dark room surrounded by people and screaming, but no one can hear me. I scream and cry but for some reason they don’t hear.

It’s as if the universe decided that I won’t be happy. People tell me I deserve to be happy. Do I? Do I honestly? I try so hard to be a good person. I try to be unselfish. I put others first, always. I try to help everyone I can. I’d rather I take the pain, as long as those I care about are happy and successful. Is that what I’m doing now? It’s not even Brett as much as it is the rejection. It seems like everyone I like, ever, never returns my feelings. I know I’m not the prettiest thing on the plant, I’m no 10, but I would like to believe I’m desirable. Am I? Am I really?

I had prepared myself for the pain from the beginning, but I didn’t know it would hurt this bad. You would think I’d be used to it by now. I’m not. This is why I guard my heart. But if no one wants it, what is there to guard? Why bother?

I have so much love to give. I’m not picky. Someone, anyone.. What do I do wrong? Am I annoying? Someone tell me. I feel like I’m being selfish. There are so many people who have it so much worse than me. I have my life handed to me on a platter. The funny thing is.. I don’t want it. If I could bundle up the material and exchange it for someone to love, I would in half a heartbeat. I’m so blessed, but so lonely and lost.

Even though people tell me it’s just a phase, it’ll pass, it’s not passed yet. It’s been five years; five long, tiring years of solitude. I’m just so sick of having my hopes crushed. It’s every single time too. I must be defective. If I knew what part of me was so unattractive, I’d change it, but I have no idea. I’m broken and I don’t know how to fix it. No one wants damaged goods. No one wants me.

I’m not mean. I’m not stupid. I’m not selfish or clingy or demanding or needy. What’s so wrong with me? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, some one please tell me. What’s wrong with me? I must not deserve it. That is the only logical conclusion I can think of. I don’t deserve some one to love. I must really suck. Yep, that’s it, I suck. I’m not good enough for love. Love is turning its nose up at me.

I’m just so done; done with everything. I want to just remove my heart for good. Or freeze it or burn or bury it. To throw it in the sky and run would be so freeing. I don’t want it anymore. I could function much more efficiently if I didn’t have it there. It’s a burden I don’t want. The letdown is too great for me to handle. It was never mine anyways. It’s like it was a torture device on loan from the heavens, or hell. If I could only remove it for good… my whole life would be brighter. It’s like when you cute a bruise out of an apple. The apple has a hole, but it’s edible. I’ve been a zombie before. It wasn’t fun, but if I could get around that, it could work.

I’d like to think I’m rad.. Am I? I thought I was cool. Am I wrong? I must be. I’m done for good this time. I’m done trying and having my attempts slapped in my face. I’m sick and tired of getting my hopes up only to have them come violently crashing down on my upturned face. I’m going to freeze my heart. I’ll keep it in that ice block for all eternity if I have to. At least the cold will numb the pain.

[[What the hell is wrong with the mood button?!]]